We Kill Our Intimacy with Politeness

We kill our intimacy with politeness and sometimes with downright dishonesty. We have been raised in a culture that tells us it’s more important to be nice than to be truthful. It’s more important to save face than to face the facts. I recall my mother saying on several occasions, “Why do you have to wear your feelings on your sleeve?” I can honestly say I have learned to be more discrete about it but I’m not really sure it’s for the best.  I think this very structure plays a huge role in perpetuating the rampant cheating that seems prevalent in many relationships.  Be nice and don’t tell your partner your needs are not being met.

I have spoken to friends and chatted online with so many people who are in unhappy relationships and it always seems to come down to two things; an unwillingness to be honest and a fear of confrontation. The two seem to be connected. If they were to be honest, they might “upset” the other person and have to deal with another’s anger, real or imagined.

Every time we lie blatantly or by omission we are tearing at the fabric of the intimate relationships we are trying to create. Why do we do this as a culture? Why has this become the status quo and operating procedure?

Jane, in My Body-His, battles with this very conundrum, rapidly changing because of her relationship with Luke while struggling to find her core self.  Her fear propels her to do dishonest things that she later regrets and has to ultimately face.

I am here to share that I have never, not yet anyway, died over being truthful or having a confrontation.  I’m not saying it’s easy or should be done with everyone you meet.  Being open and honest requires telling someone things even when you know they don’t want to hear them.  I’m not saying it’s fun but I can absolutely promise it opens the door to greater connectedness and intimacy, a greater knowing of the other person and self.

Every time we pretend, avoiding the truth, we are also hurting ourselves. We have to show up as a person different than our true selves. Of course there are times where this is necessary like in the work place or even with relatives of a different belief system.  However, it shouldn’t be with the person or people who know you the best.

I think that taking the time to peal the onion of yourself and sharing your true essences with another reaps great rewards. It will be the most liberating experience of your life. I firmly believe in the sentiment that the truth will set you free.

I’m sure some of my readers are already on this journey. Please feel free to share your stories that will inspire the rest of us to take a chance on honesty and transparency.

Sex Drives and Hal Sparks

I read an article recently where the author felt strongly that if you and your spouse’s sex drives are discordant that accommodations should be made for the one with the higher drive. I didn’t agree with everything she said but I did agree with her premise that men who tend to have higher sex drives will eventually cheat if they are not satisfied.

I think most of what we buy into in our culture regarding sex and relationship is propaganda. Hal Sparks has to be one of the funniest comics I have ever seen and I just love how irreverent he is about standards of behavior. He did a great bit in his Charmageddon show about the differences of men and women going into a sex store and buying toys. He says, because men are considered the more sex obsessed, they are required to behave differently. Woman can have a trunk full of toys and when a man finds out about them, it’s his lucky day to have such a sexual woman. But if a man has a mere drawer full of toys, the woman will be running as fast as she can out the door.

I enthusiastically agree with Hal when he says that other than some differences in plumbing in the lower region, men and women are the same. It is our culture and religion that shapes us into different creatures, not our biology.  I wonder if the differences we find in men and women will affect how each reads and interprets my novels.  Will my book just appeal to the Mommy Porn crowd or will Daddy Porn be on the rise?  Can we even call it Daddy Porn?  Somehow I think there might be a double standard with that moniker as well.

Back to our sex drives.  I’m not so sure there is a huge difference between men and women that you don’t find within the same sex. For instance, my second boyfriend had very little interest in sex. I went through hoops trying to get him more interested. What I think is different is that we as women take something into our bodies which in turn makes us more vulnerable than the men who do the penetrating.  Whether it’s because of our biology or upbringing, it seems most women need a connection to want to be sexual and most men need sex to want the connection. If your woman isn’t feeling connected to you, you probably aren’t having much sex.

So what to do when your sex drives aren’t a match? In our culture we are told to just buck up and suffer or have an affair. I personally look forward to the day that people start being honest about sex and their needs and desires. I think if people did that BEFORE they were married, they might not end up with such a mismatch. I personally don’t think people are smart when it comes to picking a mate and they do not hold sex high enough in the equation.

Oh here’s another great thing that Hal said in his routine that I loved. He said you should never save yourself for “the one”, you should be busy practicing for “the one”. Hell if they are your “one and only”, you should do everything you can to be ready for them. 😛

Here’s another plug to talk about sex and what you need. The more you are willing to talk and share, the more likely it is that you will get what you need. Oh and definitely check out Hal Sparks Charmageddon. I laughed so hard both times I watched it.

Perspective and Perception

When crafting characters, their different perspectives and perceptions help drive the conflict and define their uniqueness.  I have spent a lot of time musing around the idea that perspective is like a sphere which can be experienced from an infinite number of possible perceptions. Where you are positioned on the sphere, metaphorically speaking, has to do with your genetics, experiences and upbringing (family, culture, religion, etc.)  All of those varying facets add depth to a character.

Perception or seeing something from a perspective unique to your point of view on the sphere always presents the opportunity for a diametrically opposed view point from the other side of the sphere. Is it possible to find common ground with someone whose idea of the situation is opposite? I’m not sure and this is something with which Jane in My Body-His struggles. In real life does it work best if they are at least in your quadrant on the sphere? Or at least on your side of things?

Why the heck does it matter that we have similar perspectives? My experience and therefore perspective is that to navigate well through life with someone, a lover or a friend, you have to have some similar perspectives and perceptions. I’m not saying they have to be really closely matched but they have to be close enough that I can stretch my perspective enough to see your point of view and vice versa.

I used to talk to this guy online whose wife felt that she had a better childhood and therefore had better ideas and ways to navigate life. So every time they came to a crossroads of having a different perception (according to him), she would make life miserable until she got her way. Clearly they are headed for a divorce if nothing changes but I think a huge part of their conflict is centered on the fact that they perceive life so differently.  Their life might make an interesting story.  At least it makes for a lot of drama.

I have always found it interesting to speak to people who have different perspectives as it can open the door to new ideas and different ways of thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion however that there needs to be some overlapping of how we see the world to make a deep and secure connection.

I would very much like to hear from my readers what they think about the necessity of a shared perspective.

Dark Fantasies

I talked with a friend the other day and we had a conversation about fantasies. Not specific ones but fantasizing in general terms, which got me thinking about how writing is very much a fantasy process.  Every writer uses his or her imagination and empathy to craft the story.

I wondered if men and women fantasize differently.  My friend always fantasizes about someone he knows in scenarios that he would like to happen.  Another thing that men tell me is common is to relive a scenario that actually took place.

For me my fantasies are darker and I wouldn’t want them to happen in real life. They rarely star someone I know or have seen. So I was left wondering if the difference was simply the difference between the sexes but after speaking with a few women it seemed that they themselves were varied in style. One said that the men in her imagination rarely have a face and that it was more about the scenario. I can relate to that. Another said that it depended on her mood.  Sometimes it’s about someone she knows and other times not.

I did some research and consistently it is said that men are more visual and therefore focus far more on the anatomy of their desire where women focus more on emotion and affection. Neither really describes me. Evidently rape and forced sex is common for women because on a list of top ten fantasies for women it ranked number one.

It may come down to desire because a man driven to rape, in fantasyland anyway, is so overcome by lust, he can’t help himself.

I read an interesting article called Rape, Fantasies, and Female arousal by William Saletan. He addresses research done measuring a woman’s intellectual response as opposed to her vaginal blood flow. According to the article, men’s minds and genitals are in agreement when it comes to sexuality and fantasy but for women it is different. They are speculating that arousal in women can be stimulated by the need for protection which is a biological response to avoid vaginal damage. They called it, “reflective sexual readiness” which is very different from desire. However they believe it is wired into our arousal system to keep us safe from abuse.

In my writings, I’m very fascinated by the body/mind conflict in sexuality.  Maybe my character, Jane, experiences reflective sexual readiness.  If that is the case, she doesn’t know it.