I read an article recently where the author felt strongly that if you and your spouse’s sex drives are discordant that accommodations should be made for the one with the higher drive. I didn’t agree with everything she said but I did agree with her premise that men who tend to have higher sex drives will eventually cheat if they are not satisfied.
I think most of what we buy into in our culture regarding sex and relationship is propaganda. Hal Sparks has to be one of the funniest comics I have ever seen and I just love how irreverent he is about standards of behavior. He did a great bit in his Charmageddon show about the differences of men and women going into a sex store and buying toys. He says, because men are considered the more sex obsessed, they are required to behave differently. Woman can have a trunk full of toys and when a man finds out about them, it’s his lucky day to have such a sexual woman. But if a man has a mere drawer full of toys, the woman will be running as fast as she can out the door.
I enthusiastically agree with Hal when he says that other than some differences in plumbing in the lower region, men and women are the same. It is our culture and religion that shapes us into different creatures, not our biology. I wonder if the differences we find in men and women will affect how each reads and interprets my novels. Will my book just appeal to the Mommy Porn crowd or will Daddy Porn be on the rise? Can we even call it Daddy Porn? Somehow I think there might be a double standard with that moniker as well.
Back to our sex drives. I’m not so sure there is a huge difference between men and women that you don’t find within the same sex. For instance, my second boyfriend had very little interest in sex. I went through hoops trying to get him more interested. What I think is different is that we as women take something into our bodies which in turn makes us more vulnerable than the men who do the penetrating. Whether it’s because of our biology or upbringing, it seems most women need a connection to want to be sexual and most men need sex to want the connection. If your woman isn’t feeling connected to you, you probably aren’t having much sex.
So what to do when your sex drives aren’t a match? In our culture we are told to just buck up and suffer or have an affair. I personally look forward to the day that people start being honest about sex and their needs and desires. I think if people did that BEFORE they were married, they might not end up with such a mismatch. I personally don’t think people are smart when it comes to picking a mate and they do not hold sex high enough in the equation.
Oh here’s another great thing that Hal said in his routine that I loved. He said you should never save yourself for “the one”, you should be busy practicing for “the one”. Hell if they are your “one and only”, you should do everything you can to be ready for them. 😛
Here’s another plug to talk about sex and what you need. The more you are willing to talk and share, the more likely it is that you will get what you need. Oh and definitely check out Hal Sparks Charmageddon. I laughed so hard both times I watched it.