We kill our intimacy with politeness and sometimes with downright dishonesty. We have been raised in a culture that tells us it’s more important to be nice than to be truthful. It’s more important to save face than to face the facts. I recall my mother saying on several occasions, “Why do you have to wear your feelings on your sleeve?” I can honestly say I have learned to be more discrete about it but I’m not really sure it’s for the best. I think this very structure plays a huge role in perpetuating the rampant cheating that seems prevalent in many relationships. Be nice and don’t tell your partner your needs are not being met.
I have spoken to friends and chatted online with so many people who are in unhappy relationships and it always seems to come down to two things; an unwillingness to be honest and a fear of confrontation. The two seem to be connected. If they were to be honest, they might “upset” the other person and have to deal with another’s anger, real or imagined.
Every time we lie blatantly or by omission we are tearing at the fabric of the intimate relationships we are trying to create. Why do we do this as a culture? Why has this become the status quo and operating procedure?
Jane, in My Body-His, battles with this very conundrum, rapidly changing because of her relationship with Luke while struggling to find her core self. Her fear propels her to do dishonest things that she later regrets and has to ultimately face.
I am here to share that I have never, not yet anyway, died over being truthful or having a confrontation. I’m not saying it’s easy or should be done with everyone you meet. Being open and honest requires telling someone things even when you know they don’t want to hear them. I’m not saying it’s fun but I can absolutely promise it opens the door to greater connectedness and intimacy, a greater knowing of the other person and self.
Every time we pretend, avoiding the truth, we are also hurting ourselves. We have to show up as a person different than our true selves. Of course there are times where this is necessary like in the work place or even with relatives of a different belief system. However, it shouldn’t be with the person or people who know you the best.
I think that taking the time to peal the onion of yourself and sharing your true essences with another reaps great rewards. It will be the most liberating experience of your life. I firmly believe in the sentiment that the truth will set you free.
I’m sure some of my readers are already on this journey. Please feel free to share your stories that will inspire the rest of us to take a chance on honesty and transparency.